Stepping out the front door
It is jolly easy for me as an experienced dawdler to spout-on about how to get outside & just dawdle, but for some the simple act of stepping out of the front door can seem like an impossible challenge, especially if one is suffering with the condition known as lazybastarditis a debilitating affliction which attacks the motivational centre in the brain, rendering a person utterly incapable of any form of physical exertion. Therefore, as way of assistance I have included a small refresher section on the art of simple walking.
If one still has the capacity to use their legs, it is highly recommended that the initial dawdle be one of simple walking. This can be defined as the act of repetitively placing one foot in front of the other, whilst at the same time holding one’s torso in an upward position. It is important that the shoulders are held in a relaxed but slightly retracted position to allow the chest to naturally expand & contract, with the arms pendulously swinging contralaterally with the action of the feet. If you have the tendency to take a step with one foot whilst moving the arm of the same side (an action known as ‘tick-tocking’ in the military), you are either a member of the RAF or simply just a numpty. Similarly on no account must one walk as though one is carrying breeze-blocks under their arms whilst at the same time attempting to crack a walnut between the cheeks of their buttocks. This rigid & hilarious gait is reserved for chavs of a skinny disposition, or army physical training instructors who have over-indulged on the ‘roids.
The position of the head is also of paramount importance, as if one holds their head forward & tilted down one could be mistaken for a lurcher, (those who lurch about in public places usually with their eyes glued to their mobile device) whereas if there is too much tilt in an upward direction, as though looking down one’s nose, one could be mistaken for an arrogant, pompous arse.
A common conundrum is that of knowing what to do with the hands during simple walking. The current in-thing among the chav-classes is to participate in a game of ‘pocket billiards’ with either with both hands shoved deep in their pockets, or worse, down the front of their tacky, elasticated sports trousers. It goes without saying that this is considered extremely bad form therefore, to avoid any temptation into ‘cueing the pink into one’s corner pocket’, a chap must ensure their hands are externally occupied at all times by holding a map, a walking stick, an umbrella, or even a newspaper. Alternatively, one may adopt the ‘Prince William’ – a hand position whereby the extended digits of one hand are inserted just inside the vertical opening of their jacket in a location just above the umbilicus.
The moment a person stops the act of simple walking, it is said that they are in a standing posture. Once in a standing posture, a gentleman is legally allowed to rest one hand in their pocket, especially if one is in deep conversation with other chaps at the bar.
Many dawdlers, myself included, have an uncanny ability for navigation. In my dim & distant military career, due to my prowess with a map & compass, I was volunteered to represent my unit at an orienteering event. Unfortunately, due to a minor malfunction with my footwear, I ended up running completely out of the competition area, before finally making my way to the finish-line just as the prize giving was concluding.
For those who have limited navigation skills though, I would suggest that you furnish yourself with an Ordnance Survey map (preferably of the area you wish to dawdle around). To begin with, it is a good idea to get acquainted with the map by spreading it out on the table of your local public house & then whilst you hydrate yourself, periodically stare at the map for a few hours. If you are still in possession of the map by the end of the evening, you can then practice your skills by finding your way home, or if you are supremely confident, locating an eating establishment of Indian or Turkish origin Following this, should you then later find yourself in a ‘dubious location’, it is handy to remember the old adage ‘If in doubt, Google Maps will get you out’, although, I have it on good authority that activating the GPS locator whilst within the confines of the ‘Pole-dancing Pleasure Lounge’, may result in a ‘difficult situation’ when you finally locate your place of residence, especially if your Google account is linked with the rest of the family.
Dealing with undesirables en-route
It troubles me to say that when you are out & about on your dawdling excursions, you will often encounter individuals who are on the ‘Fuch-Witt Spectrum’ – a professional scale which is used by those who have the misfortune of dealing with the public in the course of their day-to-day employments. Although some of the more seriously-deranged facets of the Fuch-Witt Spectrum have been omitted as I wish not to scare those of a nervous disposition, the following list identifies some of the more routine pathologies that you may observe in day-to-day life:
- EBD (Entitled Benefit Disorder): Able-bodied folks who are often diagnosed with Lazybastarditis, who will happily source & apply for every handout going without ever considering contributing back to society in some manner
- CSS (Chip on Shoulder Syndrome): People who are weighed down so heavily with the self-imposed burdens of their lifestyle that they develop a superiority complex making them view everyone around them as inferior
- Dickism: A known psychiatric pathology which makes people behave in an imbecilic manner, often for the benefit of other ‘dicks’, or to influence younger people via social media platforms
- Chav: Another disorder of psychological origin that usually affects people under 30, who due to a lack of moral guidance at an early age, lack the ability to grasp the concepts of law & order
Be smart of tongue & fleet of foot
As many on the Fuch-Witt Spectrum struggle to understand rudimentary English, (mainly due to the fact that they considered at the time that gaining an education was against their human rights), I would suggest that if cornered, the primary recourse would be to engage the scrotey miscreant in a conversation using words of more than one syllable delivered in rapid succession, which will inevitably add momentary bafflement & thus offer you ample time in which to make your escape.
Keeping suitably sustained
“Spent the afternoon dawdling about Basingstoke (a small town in Northern Hampshire). At about 1500hrs the heavens opened & I found myself amidst a downpour of almost biblical proportions. Having consumed my assorted snacks & my emergency assorted snacks in the previous hour, I found my energy levels were dropping faster than Neymar Jr in a goal area, & for a split second I imagined the headlines – ‘Famous dawdler dies of hunger/thirst/boredom in Basingstoke’. As I peered through the gloom (not the rain, just the gloom of Basingstoke) I spotted a neon sign that read JD Wetherspoons & with my last remaining ounce of self-worth I prised open the doors & sought sanctuary within. Thankfully, to my relief it was ‘Curry Night’ in the spoons & after two pints of Mr Chubbs & a lamb madras, I felt suitably replenished to continue my journey.”
As my diary entry suggests, I cannot iterate & reiterate how important it is to ensure one’s energy & hydration levels are kept up whilst out on a dawdle. Make sure to keep an eye open for public houses, bakeries, taverns, pie shops, inns, patisseries, hostelries & fish & chip shops.
I do hope that this aide-memoire has been an informative & educational insight into the art of dawdling. Should you have any questions, feel free to contact me (unless you are on the Fuch-Witt Spectrum that is).